Y’all. I’m finally back to work after a month of laying around with a concussion and I’m so glad to be back. While resting was needed, it wasn’t always wanted. There were times that I rested easily, but more commonly I didn’t and instead got worked up because my thoughts were too much to handle. I can’t explain how many times anxiety overwhelmed me and I just laid there and cried, stressed at how much I didn’t have in my control. I know I can’t control everything, but that didn’t stop me from wishing I could. Wishing I could know what would happen a month from now, wishing I knew where I should go or be next, wishing I knew how to be a better friend and person.
I thought on all of these things almost everyday and dwelt on the fact that they weren’t under my control, having to give them back to Him over and over again. This isn’t how we were put together, this isn’t how we’re meant to live life, but sometimes it’s what happens. It’s easier for me to dwell on what is going wrong rather than what’s going right. It’s hard to see the good in the midst of unfortunate circumstances, like having two concussions in six months. I can look back now and see how it was so good for me to have this month of not having anything weighing on me that I had to do, but at the time I couldn’t see that.
I struggle with making myself too overloaded with things to take time to just refuel, be and breathe and this month of realizing how much I had weighing on my subconscious was so needed. It was when I got it all off my plate and prayed through it that my brain began actually making progress toward healing.
While it’s easier to not deal with the crap in our lives, sometimes it is necessary, it’s necessary to work through the dirt for the sake of healing. I’ve listened to Steffany Gretzlinger’s album “The Undoing” again and again making the song Out of Hiding my anthem. It’s one of those songs that just lets you feel all the things, but also reminds you that you’re so worthy of the Father’s love, even in the middle of your pain and anxiety.
And now I’ll be your lighthouse
When you’re lost at sea
And I will illuminate
EverythingNo need to be frightened by intimacy
No, just throw off your fear
And come running to Me‘Cause I loved you before you knew it was loveAnd I saw it all, still I chose the crossAnd you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave
Now rid of the shackles, My victory’s yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home
You’re not far from home
Keep on coming
He still wants our hearts, we don’t have to clean ourselves up before we go running to Him. He takes us, full of sin, shame, anxious thoughts, and pains. The Father longs for His children, whether their acts are cleaned up or not. That’s something that I struggle to see so much of the time, that He really does accept me as I am. I am not pushed away because I have crap in my life, but He pulls me closer and gives me what I need to begin healing. He wants that for me and for you, we just have to run back . . .
Whether we’re running back once and for all, or if we’re having to make the decision to run back into His trustworthy arms every single morning . . .
He is still God and He is still good.
Baby, you’re almost home now
Please don’t quit now
You’re almost home to me, yes you are
When you’re in the midst of anxiety, when you’re just too overwhelmed by life, or using words to hurt people or being hurt by them, remember that His arms are still open for you. Run home, you daring child. He’s ready.