Leaving, I guess.

Here’s the deal, straight up: I leave in seven days and I have cried every day for a week and I don’t see the end of that in sight.

I’ve said goodbye to a few people and I can say all day that I’m thankful that I have people that make saying goodbyes so hard, but that doesn’t make it suck any less. This is awful, terrible, painful, all the things. I keep trying to point my attention back to Jesus, but gee, it’s so hard.

Currently this album is my anthem. I have it on constant replay in my car. I cry a lot while singing it. Holy cow.

Pull me a little closer

Take me a little deeper

I want to know Your heart

I want to know Your heart

Your love is so much stronger

Than anything I’ve faced and

I want to know Your heart

I want to know Your heart

“Closer” Bethel Music.

That little part alone pulls on my weepy heart strings. The whole idea of wanting to know His heart because His love is so kind and big. I love that.
I’ve been okay up until this week but this week hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m leaving… for six whole months. People keep seeing me and saying “well, I think this is the last time I’ll see you before you leave.” I sob almost every time because I forget that it’s happening, and it’s happening really soon.

Goodbyes suck. Yeah I’ll see people later, but not for a while and people change, I’ll change. Things will be different when I get back and that kind of scares me. But when I say I want to know His heart and I’ll follow Him anywhere, that does mean anywhere. It means picking up my cross and walking. He died so that people could have relationship with Him. I could just sit here in good ole USA and pretend there aren’t people out there in need of the Gospel in all the world, but I can’t, I won’t.

The great commission simply says this:

“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20

So who am I to tell God that I don’t want to do His work to give more people access to the Kingdom? If He calls us to do this and I have the means to go into some of the “all nations”, why am I doubting? People will still be here when I get back, the ones that matter at least. He has given me this task for a reason and for this specific time.

Perhaps I’ve been created for such a time as this.

It’s always like springtime with You
Making all things new
Your light is breaking through the dark
This love it is sweeter than wine
Bringing joy, bringing life
Your hope is rising like the dawn

It’s like I’m living for the first time
Finally living for the first time

“This is what you do.” Bethel Music.

I surrender, the battle’s been won. He called me to this and he will be faithful through it. He just calls me to trust even if I don’t see what He’s doing.

Even so, it is well.

all my love,


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